Review: Return of the Jedi

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jesse

As would befit their titles, Return of the Jedi is the exact opposite of Revenge of the Sith. Sith is a movie with lots of new, interesting plot points that is dragged way down by the awfulness of the first two prequels and their terrible characters. Jedi, conversely, doesn’t have much of the way of ideas, but it’s able to coast because the first two movies set it up so perfectly. At this point, the audience loves Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewie so much they’re willing to watch them in just about anything (Star Wars Christmas Special excluded).

So where is our story at this point? At the end of ESB, Lando and Chewbacca flew away on the Millenium Falcon, promising to find the bounty hunter that has the frozen Han Solo. “Awesome,” a hypothetical viewer might say. “That bounty hunter didn’t say much, but his suit and ship were amazing, and it will be cool to see Lando and Chewie take him on! I wonder if their spaceships will fight or…”

“Oh. Jedi is beginning and it’s just R2 and 3PO walking around on Luke’s home planet again. Han has already been shipped to Jabba the Hutt and now the bounty hunter is just chillaxing in Jabba’s dance hall. That’s cool, I guess. I didn’t want to see Lando and Chewbacca go on a sweet rescue mission anyway (sniff).”

I’m putting a lot of words in this hypothetical viewer’s mouth…certainly when I saw Jedi as a ten-year-old, I didn’t waste too much time on “what ifs”. Still, compared to the creativity shown in ESB, Jedi doesn’t seem to have many ideas on how to make the rescue of Han Solo interesting. I mean, he’s hanging right there on the wall! Jabba has guards, sure, but they’re mostly stupid pig-men and random dancing aliens. It seems like if Luke, Leia, Lando, Chewbacca, and a handful of armed Rebel Alliance volunteers had shown up, nobody would have been able to stop them.

But fortunately for Jabba, the Rebels are determined not to do things the easy way. After R2 and 3PO are enslaved to Jabba as a gift from Luke (Noooo! Luke, don’t you know Jabba has a robot torture chamber for some dumb reason?), a disguised Leia brings in Chewbacca, who gets taken to the dungeons. At this point the heroes have added three more names to their “Need to eventually rescue” list. Leia then unfreezes Han, and they both get recaptured immediately. Leia is forced to wear a bikini because the movie-makers realized that she had clothes on for both of the previous movies and that just didn’t seem right.

Then Jedi does another good idea fake-out. Luke Skywalker enters Jabba’s palace dressed all in black and starts Force-choking and Jedi-mind-tricking his way through the guards. Oh man! Has Luke turned to the Dark Side? Nope, just kidding. Luke doesn’t need Dark Powers when he has a sweet plan! The plan is: make some threats, fall into a pit, kill the pit monster unarmed, get captured and put in chains, make some more threats until Jabba decides to feed all the good guys to his back-up pit monster. Finally, R2 tosses Luke’s lightsaber eighty feet over a chasm, and Luke catches it and fights off every single bad guy by himself while everyone else tries not to fall to their death. Seems to me that Luke could have skipped some of those middle steps, but what do I know.

"This is the last time we let Luke plan the rescue"

I’m picking on the beginning of the movie, but I actually enjoy most of it. It addresses the biggest problem from ESB – the sense that the main characters no longer liked either each other– by giving the heroes some fun banter and chances to rescue each other. It’s also exciting to see Luke take on Jabba’s thugs with his new lightsaber and mad skillz. Still, the first act makes it clear: this final installment is going to be lighter, simpler, and sillier than the previous one, with fewer betrayals and torture scenes, and more onscreen burps (three!).

Luke returns to Dagobah, where Yoda promptly dies because he has contracted Lack-of-anything-relevant-to-impart-to-the-main-character-itis.* It is on Dagobah that Luke learns of one of the worst ideas that Jedi introduces: Leia is his sister. Blerg! It is not very nice to your two main characters to ret-con them as incestuous. Were the writers worried that the audience might feel cheated if Luke ended up single for No Good Reason (other than the perfectly legitimate reason of Leia liking someone else better)? This plot twist not only eliminates the exciting Love Triangle dynamic from the leads, it makes it gross that it ever existed. Suddenly, there’s no more tension. We know Han and Leia are just gonna grin at each other all movie. There’s one brief moment where Han gets jealous of Luke, but we as an audience aren’t concerned, because we know as soon as Leia says “He’s my brother,” the princess and the former scoundrel will get back to smoochin’. Sigh.

Anyway, back to the plot. The Rebels have discovered that the Empire is building an EVEN BIGGER DEATH STAR, but they seemed to be fairly relaxed about it. To destroy the Death Star’s shield generator on Endor, they send the stealthy team of Han, Leia, Luke, a seven-foot tall furry monster, and two shiny, slow-moving droids who never ever stop talking/beeping. Unfortunately for the Rebellion, this top-notch team of spies gets sidetracked a bunch of teddy bears.

The Empire will know our name, and tremble

Now, I’m not anti-Ewok per se; I don’t dislike the little critters just because they’re cute, the way some fanboys seem to do. What I am opposed to is upstaging: the Ewoks come to dominate the Endor storyline at the expense of everyone else. Han and Leia, whose relationship was so central in ESB, don’t get many chances to talk to each other…but there IS a long scene where the Ewoks learn about the plot of the first two movies. The Rebel attack of the shield generator doesn’t consist of much more than hanging out in the bushes firing randomly…but the Ewoks get to make all sorts of ingenious traps, all of which are highly effective on the surprisingly fragile Imperial Scout Walkers. The furry little devils steal screen time, and that, more than anything else, is why I find them problematic.*

At least Luke doesn’t get short-changed. In the strongest of Jedi’s storylines, Luke surrenders to Darth Vader, hopefully to sway him back to the good side. Emperor Palpatine, of course, has the opposite idea: he wants for Luke to use his anger and turn to the Dark Side of the Force. Palpatine, played as always by the excellent Ian McDiarmid, reveals to Luke that the seemingly-vulnerable Death Star was actually a trap for Rebels. Luke is somewhat peeved at the prospect of the imminent death of everyone he knows, and a Vader-Luke duel breaks out. But somewhere in between Cloud City and Endor, Luke has grown in power, and the idea that he might kill and replace his father is no longer just theoretical.

It’s a great sequence, and it gives the last third of the film emotional heft. The other components of the finale aren’t quite as strong…the space battle is a great spectacle, but the only main character involved in it is Lando (who is cool but still largely unknown, thanks to the middle third of the movie being taken up by EWOKS). The fighting on the ground has a disappointingly low Han Solo to Ewok ratio, and it makes the feared Imperial Stormtroopers seem like bowling pins to be easily knocked over.

Still, as I said, the lightsaber duel ties it all together, and the moment when Vader (spoiler) switches to the Good Side in order to protect his son is one of the finest in the trilogy. Seeing good triumphing over evil on all three separate arenas, it’s hard not feel elated. Freedom is returned to the galaxy, the Empire is demolished, and everyone lives happily ever. Now if only there was someone to party with besides these lousy Ewoks.

When analyzing Return of the Jedi, it’s easy to enumerate flaws. It isn’t as imaginative as Star Wars, nor as rich in drama and suspense as The Empire Strikes Back. Most of its ideas are either recycled or mediocre. Characters show up at the beginning of the movie as developed as they’re ever gonna get. There’s a scene where a dang Ewok hits himself in the face with a dang slingshot. Etc, etc.

But although the characters don’t really evolve, they don’t deteriorate, either. Our heroes retain much of their spark from previous installments, and thus we continue rooting for them on their adventures. And although some of those adventures are silly (Luke convinces the Ewoks that 3PO is magic!), others are exciting (the Millenium Falcon flies into the Death Star), dramatic (Luke gets lightning-ed by the Emperor), or just plain fun (speeder bike chase!!!). Jedi is not the perfect ending to the saga, but it has its own magic all the same.

GRADE: B

Best Scene: Vader picks up the Emperor and throws him in a big pit. If you’re watching the Blu-Ray version, where Lucas added Darth Vader’s voice yelling “NOOOOOO!” to that scene, I’m very sorry. In that case, the best scene is probably Vader’s death, where he thanks his son for saving him. Sniffle.

Best Line of Dialogue: Star Wars gave us “May the Force be with you.” The Empire Strikes Back gave us “I am your father.” And Return of the Jedi gives us this iconic line.

Worst Scene: Jabba’s hall is home to crappy puppet aliens playing disco (original)/crappy CGI aliens playing saxophone-rock (Special Edition).

Worst Line of Dialogue: “I’m rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears that you are to be the main course at a banquet in my honor.”

Biggest Let-Down: Boba Fett turns out to be a spaz (original)/Hayden Christiansen shows up as young Blue-Ghost Young Anakin (special edition).

Only single moment in the trilogy where Special Editioning was maybe a good call: I’m not a fan of adding Naboo and Coruscant to the final moments of the trilogy, and on principle I don’t think Lucas should have changed anything, but man is that new John Williams song superior to a bunch of Ewoks singing “yub yub”.

* Am I the only one who thought Yoda’s last words were “There is another sky”? As far as last words go, I think that’s more poetic than “There is another Skywalker” especially since the latter can also be pronounced “You French-kissed your sister.”

**I’m also not a huge fan of the “primitive natives worship shiny foreigner as a God” narrative.

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Review: The Empire Strikes Back

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Jesse

The Empire Strikes Back takes the things that were awesome in Star Wars and digs into them, unearthing deeper and richer deposits of awesome under the surface. You thought Darth Vader was pretty cool? ESB escalates him from a brooding henchman to a monomaniacal tyrant ready to tear the galaxy a new one if it would mean finding his (spoiler) son. You liked Han Solo? He’s back with better dialogue and a Millenium Falcon that’s actually able to turn, and he and Leia get a love story that’s sometimes quite poignant. You wanted Luke to learn more about the Force? In ESB, a Jedi Master weaves the complete mythology behind the Force, connecting animist and Zen ideas to create a unique philosophy. You found C-3PO annoying? Well….at least in this one Leia and Han tell him to shut up a lot.*

Yet for every instance where ESB gives the fans what they want, there’s one of genuine risk-taking. Rather than going into intense battles, Luke trains and studies…under the tutelage of a puppet voiced by the guy who does Miss Piggy. There is a big showdown between the Empire and the Rebels…but it’s at the beginning of the movie, and the good guys get their butts kicked. The plot structure you’d expect from an adventure movie is replaced by a looser, meandering method of story-telling. Fan-favorite Han Solo is frozen into a block of carbonite for the last half hour of the movie. Finally, when the movie comes to a close, the only happy ending is that most of our heroes are just maimed or captured, not dead.

These gutsy choices that Lucas, the screenplay writers, and director Irvin Kirshner made should not be taken lightly. It would have been so easy to write Star Wars The Sequel!, where Luke, Han, and Leia go on an adventure that is more or less identical to the original movie.** Instead, the creative team decided that the Star Wars trilogy was going to be an sprawling epic, and that The Empire Strikes Back was going to be the middle part of the story that develops the characters and saves the pay-off for later. That ESB manages to be both that connective tissue and an entertaining stand-alone film is pretty impressive. How does it pull it off?

Partly in making sure that the little things are in order. While Star Wars was visually impressive, ESB is straight-up beautiful, especially in the frozen wasteland of Hoth and the cloud city of Bespin. Musically, John Williams surpasses his last efforts as well, creating an ominous march for Vader, a charming romantic theme for Han and Leia, and some great frenetic battle music. The dialogue, while still not Shakespeare or anything, is improved as well; Han and Leia have more fast-paced verbal sparring, and Yoda has some actual wisdom to impart.

But mostly I think that ESB is so good because the stakes are so high. This is the most serious and somber chapter in the Star Wars trilogy, and it frequently raises the very real possibility that our beloved characters will die. The pressure causes the characters to stretch; Luke is forced to grow up. Han and Leia’s relationship is strengthened by the persistent sense of peril, and vice-versa.

The only downside to the more serious tone is that it sometimes shakes up the camaraderie of the group that made them likable in the first place. There’s a point about halfway through where ESB starts to suffer from unhappiness fatigue. Yoda yells at Luke for failing every single dang Jedi test. Han and Leia yell at each other because their ship is getting shot and also because this is their primary method of communication. Darth Vader yells at subordinates while killing them with his magic brain. Everyone yells at C-3PO for having a stupid British accent and caring about statistics.

"Sir, the chances of survival are approximately MMPHH"

Still, in Empire Strikes Back, there’s definitely always a reason to be tense. When the Millenium Falcon tries to take refuge in Cloud City, Han’s old friend Lando Calrissian betrays the heroes to the Empire. Han and Leia are captured and tortured, and Luke, who senses their plight with his improving Jedi skills, has to choose between his future as a Jedi and the lives of his friends. Despite the urging of Yoda and Blue Ghost Obi-Wan, Luke abandons his training. Rushing to Cloud City, he confronts Darth Vader… and it’s pretty clear in the first ten seconds of their fight that he has little chance of actually winning. Compared to the furious, choreographed, equally-matched duels of the prequels, it’s amazing how much more exciting Vader’s cat-and-mouse game is.

It’s not just death that our heroes have to face. ESB brings a new idea into the Star Wars story…what if, as in the cool slow-motion cave scene, Luke were to kill Vader only to take his place? People remember the iconic line from the lightsaber fight – “I am your father” – but the follow-up is just as important: Vader’s suggestion that Luke could kill the Emperor and that the Skywalker family could totally rule.

Fortunately for the galaxy, Luke rejects the offer and hurls himself into the abyss. Hanging about the clouds by his fingertips, he calls on Ben Kenobi and, significantly, gets no response. Desperate, Luke calls out Leia’s name…and Leia (who has meanwhile escaped thanks to Lando’s help) senses him and flies the Millenium Falcon to his rescue. The good guys escape by the skin of their collective teeth, but all are left feeling defeated and betrayed. Some of Luke’s last lines in the movie are “Ben…why didn’t you tell me?”

So, no, it’s not the non-stop fun ride of the first movie. It’s an adventure movie that takes its conflict seriously and sets up a grim predicament for the final film to resolve. While it’s a little moody and slow at times, this is done in the service of story and character. In expanding the tonal palette of the original, The Empire Strikes Back embiggens the Star Wars universe and perfectly sets up the final act in the story. And, in the meantime, manages to be completely rad.

GRADE: A-

Best Scene: Han Solo gets frozen into carbonite. Man, this scene is probably the best in ANY movie. The lighting, the music, the acting, the way Han and Leia can’t bear to be parted but are trying to stay strong, the malevolent presence of both Vader and Boba Fett, and the Best Line of Dialogue: LEIA: I love you! HAN: I know.

Worst Scene: R2 gets eaten by a swamp monster. Ok, in my last post I suggested that ESB was the only Star Wars movie that didn’t need any more editing. Scratch that, they all need editing. This R2-swamp monster scene doesn’t serve any purpose.

Worst Line of Dialogue: If you’re watching the Special Edition (try not to, I beg you), the worst line the added Tarzan yell that they give Luke as he jumps away from Darth Vader into the huge chasm. Why, oh, why would you add in a Tarzan yell in one of the most dramatic moments of the movie?

If you got the better version (theatrical release), the worst line is probably when 3PO says “Oh! They’ve encased him in carbonite! He should be quite well-protected…if he survived the freezing process, that is.” It’s not a bad line in that it’s terribly written, or out of character but FOR CRAP’S SAKE, 3PO, we were reveling in the afterglow of the Best Line of Dialogue in the movie and you brought out of our trance. Thank you. Thank You VERY much.

* Actually, it’s pretty comical how much 3PO gets told to shut up in this movie. My favorite moment comes when 3PO sees an identical droid and pipes “Nice to see a familiar face again!” The other droid brusquely says “Ee Chuta” and 3PO gasps, “How rude!” Even other protocol droids think 3PO should shut his pie hole.

**Ok, honestly, this is basically what Return of the Jedi is.

PS. I didn’t know where else to fit it in, so I’ll use this PS to talk about how great Empire Strikes Back Yoda is. I love that they introduced the character as a little comic relief scamp, then, after Luke loses his cool, Yoda’s flighty temperament is revealed to be a test of patience. After that, Yoda is stern, perpetually disappointed, and frankly, a little spooky. He takes his responsibility as a Jedi seriously and takes down Luke (and really, the wide-eyed enthusiasm of the first movie) when he sniffs “Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.” He’s such a well-crafted character and Frank Oz brings him to life. It’s a pity that Yoda carries none of these personality traits into the other movies.

PPS. Also, I love Lando Calrissian. He’s suave and funny, has a neat little mini-arc of betrayal and redemption, and is perfectly acted by the charismatic Billy Dee Williams.

PPPS. Also, I love Boba Fett. Man, Empire Strikes Back is so good.

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Review: Star Wars

Posted on May 12, 2012 by Jesse

That’s right, I’m gonna call this movie Star Wars, not A New Hope or Episode IV, titles that were added after the fact and make it seem like Star Wars is some middle chapter of a complicated and very uneven drama. I like that the original title is as simple as the movie itself: Star Wars. Wars in the stars.

That said, the title isn’t perfect.* Star Wars isn’t really about wars…not in the complicated, expanded way that the prequels are, where we know more the dynamics of the Trade Federation than we do about our main characters. Star Wars also really isn’t about stars or space. Rather, it’s an old-fashioned mythological quest, a legend about fulfilling your destiny and becoming a hero.

Consider the story, which I’ll recount using a minimum of the space-isms that sometimes confuse people into thinking Star Wars is science fiction. A sharp-tongued Princess, fighting for freedom and justice, gets kidnapped by an Evil Lord of the Empire, who controls a Powerful Weapon. Two good servants, one mute but sensible, the other prattling and incompetent, escape to a nearby farm, where they come across a Young Man, a farmhand who dreams of bigger things. Though it is the servants who give the farmhand the Princess’ message, it is the neighborhood Wise Old Wizard who tells him of his (the farmhand’s) birthright–his father was a great warrior–and destiny–he can tap into his unseen mystical powers and fight the Evil Empire.

Double the suns, double the destiny!

The Empire kills the Young Man’s adopted family and the mission becomes Personal. The Young Man, Wise Wizard, and the two clownish servants go to a sleazy tavern and hire a Sardonic Mercenary and his sidekick to accompany them on their quest. On the way, the Wise Wizard starts to teach the Young Man how to use magic, though the Sardonic Mercenary sneers at everything that isn’t money or weapons. Together, the group rescues the princess, though (spoilers ahead for this 35-year old movie) the Wise Wizard is killed by the Evil Lord in a duel. The Young Man is now on his own.

The group takes the Princess back to her group of freedom fighters, but the Evil Lord follows them there with his army and Powerful Weapon and a battle begins. Though he is untested, the Young Man fights valiantly, using the strength and magic his mentor passed on to him. The Sardonic Mercenary at first flees the battle, but has a change of heart and returns to help the Young Man. Together, they banish the Evil Lord, and the Young Man destroys the Powerful Weapon, symbol of the Evil Lord and his Empire.

Ah. That’s the stuff of Greek myth, of Samurai legend, of folktales and the fantasy genre they inspired. It’s why, years before I saw the movie, the plot synopsis was one of my favorite bedtime stories.** It’s not important that it’s set in space…but I’m sure glad it is, because space is awesome. It means that all these archetypes get to play out on a truly epic scale. The Wizard and Evil Lord fight with LASER SWORDS. The Sardonic Mercenary has a souped-up SPACESHIP. The Powerful Weapon is the size of a friggin’ moon and, no big deal, DESTROYS ENTIRE PLANETS IN A SINGLE SHOT.

It’s not just a generic space environment, either. The team that made Star Wars created a universe with captivating artwork (yay for art designer Ralph McQuarrie), and unique, iconic sounds (yay for sound designer Ben Burtt). And it’s all tied together with one of the most fantastic soundtracks even written, a masterpiece that showcases John Williams (yay!) at his most dramatic and Romantic.

Of course, none of this would matter much if we don’t care about the characters. And care we do. Luke Skywalker gets off to a bit of a rough start since his first ten lines of dialogue are all whining, but I’ll defend him and Mark Hamill, the actor, against all the haters. Mark Hamill, who looks about 19 years old, really emphasizes Luke naivete and earnestness, and whether we admit it or not, we see the universe through his wondering eyes. Ben Kenobi (Alec Guinness) adds dignity and seriousness to this otherwise pretty silly movie. Darth Vader is a lumbering, malevolent presence.

And Han Solo. I can’t, off the top of my head, think of any movie character I love more than Han Solo. Harrison Ford is charisma incarnate as the arrogant, sarcastic, materialistic, charming, cynical smuggler who Nonetheless has the archetypal Heart of Gold. He’s unsentimental and calculating, yet fiercely loyal to his best friend. He’s really funny. He’s a flirt, a jerk, and, yes, a scoundrel. He’s the essence of cool.

Hokey religions + ancient weapons < a good blaster

With characters like these, the audience is engaged in their adventures, even when their adventures don’t quite make sense. And let’s be fair…that happens fairly frequently. Why did it take so long for the storm troopers to realize that the escaped prisoners had gone down the garbage chute? Why was it so easy for the heroes to all escape the Death Star…or considering that the Empire wanted them to escape so they could be tracked, why was it so hard? Why are none of the Stormtroopers suspicious when they see sand-covered robots right next to the mysterious ship from the SAND planet, the place where the Rebels recently sent two hugely important droids? Why doesn’t the Death Star have basic password protection against everyday R2 units?

The answer to all these questions: It doesn’t matter. Take the final battle. Many have commented that the Battle of Yavin is, from a logical and scientific standpoint, kind of stupid. But the plot-holes don’t affect the emotional narrative in the movie at all. Why is there one spot on the Death Star that will blow the whole thing up? So Luke can use his skills as a pilot and save the day. Why doesn’t the Death Star blow up the big planet that’s blocking their shot of the little planet where the Rebel Base is? Because Han needs the time to realize that he maybe believes in something after all (alternate reading: Han realizes Leia is hot). Character is key here; logical plot points are secondary.

No, Star Wars isn’t a perfect movie. Like all the Star Wars movies except maybe Empire, it could use some editing and dialogue revision. The camera-work tends to be a little dull on moments that aren’t action-based. There are no minorities in the whole galaxy and only two women. And, ok, there are a few moments where Luke needs to be kicked in the nuts (and 3PO in the bolts (rim shot)).

But dang if it isn’t a great movie, (and since I’ve been hard on him in past reviews, here’s where I’ll give a big yay for poor George Lucas) an exciting, emotional epic that holds up to multiple rewatching. When I first saw it at age ten in the theaters with my Uncle Stan, I thought it was the best movie I had ever seen. Considering what movies I had seen up to that point in my life, I was probably right.

GRADE: A-

Best Scene: Man, even by my jaded 2012 sensibilities, the final space battle against the Death Star (original theatrical release) is just phenomenal. I think it’s a matter of contrast. Up till this point, the movie has actually been relatively special-effects-free (the characters have hung out in a desert, then in what looks like the world’s most sterile office). When the visuals suddenly become amazing and spaceships start juking around and blowing up, you know you’ve reached the finale, and the adrenaline starts pumping.

Best Line of Dialogue: “The Force will be with you. Always.” Ben Kenobi, in his reassuring but sad sort of way. Also, I love Peter Cushing’s performance as the evil Governor Tarkin so let’s include his best line as well: “I grow tired of asking this, so it shall be the last time…WHERE is the Rebel Base?”

Oh! And I love this exchange: HAN: I dunno…do you think a princess and a guy like me? LUKE: (quickly) No. HAN: (grins)

Worst Scene: Well, if you’re watching the Special Edition (try not to, I beg you), it’s the scene with CGI Jabba the Hutt unnecessarily recapping plot points. Otherwise, it’s where 3PO loses an arm and moans that he’s done for. It slows down the movie just for yet another moment of 3PO whining. Also the music is really sad there, despite the fact that 3PO is fine by the next scene.

Worst Line of Dialogue: “Hold your fire. There’s no life forms onboard.” You’re looking for the Rebel plans, you stupid Imperial gunner! Have you lived your whole life without ever seeing a droid?

*Space Quest would be a more accurate name, though that is a video game, and also sort of a stupid name for a movie.

**Though my dad had a tendency to mix the movies together, he remembered the overall plot pretty well. I’m trying to imagine telling the prequels as a bedtime story (“So kids, there’s this group called the Separatists, led by Count Dooku, who is secretly controlled by the Chancellor of the Republic, and the Separatists declare war on the Republic, because the Chancellor wants to create a political climate in which he…you know what, let me back up.”)

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Review: Star Wars Episode III

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Jesse

REVENGE OF THE SITH

Out of all the Star Wars movies, Revenge of Sith might be the most painful for me to watch, because there are so many cool ideas in it that just aren’t quite executed right. Whereas the final storyboard for Episode I was a Post-It Note that said “ROBOTS???”, Episode III contains (Oh, yeah…there are spoilers in here) a major character turning evil, a democracy becoming a dictatorship, the birth of Luke and Leia, and the extinction of the Jedi Order. How could that be less than amazing? Let’s review together.

Sith begins the way Clones ended…with a half hour of pure action. The first part is an excellent space battle that features cool long shots, missile dodging, and some of the friendliest Anakin-Obi-Wan interactions we’ve ever had. When the two Jedi sneak on to an enemy ship, however, it’s back to the weaknesses of the previous two movies. There’s slap-stick (R2-D2 gets sassy!) weirdly juxtaposed with death (Anakin scissor-murders Saruman!). There’s the lack of fearsomeness of battle droids that appear to be made out of butter. There’s the sheer length of the thing; even after the emotional climax of Anakin killing someone in cold blood, the movie finds other random stuff to throw at the heroes, as shown below.

Q: What the hell is going on in the scene? A: It doesn't matter.

Again, painful. If Sith cut out the R2 jokes, made the battle droids seem like actual obstacles, and ended the scene after we see that Anakin has some anger issues, they’d have a fantastic beginning, a taut, ten-minute introduction to the evil creeping into the soul of the future Vader. As it is, they have some great moments in a mess.

Continuing to mirror the structure of Clones, Sith sends our heroes in separate ways. Poor Obi-Wan, the most inessential main character ever, is sent after a new Bad Guy, General Robot. General Robot matters not at all to anything or anyone and exists only to keep from Obi-Wan from interacting with other characters.

Anakin has a more interesting plot. Haunted by premonitions of Natalie Portman’s death in childbirth, he seeks reassurance…and finds it only in the slippery words of Chancellor Palpatine. Palpatine, played by the fine thespian Ian McDiarmid, plays off Anakin’s fear of loss, disparages the Jedi Council as a bunch of narrow-minded theocrats, introduces a “everyone-is-selfish” moral relativism, and suggests that Alternative Uses of the Force might be a better way to save lives. It’s a neat dynamic, this subtle, incremental seduction, and even the interspersed shots of the JEDI COUNCIL TALKING SLOOOOWWWLYY can’t kill all the tension.

When Palpatine reveals himself to be a Sith Lord, Anakin is stunned. He can’t quite accept Palpatine’s identity or the invitation to join him, but neither can he strike him down, so he tattles to Jedi Master Samuel L. Windu. Windu decides to arrest Palpatine, gathers the three nearest Jedi, Master Useless, Master Incompetent, and Master Dies-Almosts-Immediately, and confronts the Chancellor in his office. Palpatine, shockingly, kills the sidekick Jedi in four seconds and fights with Windu, who at least knows which end of a lightsaber to hold. Seeing the situation as a choice between a bunch of self-righteous Jedi and the power to save Natalie, Anakin intervenes and helps Palpatine send Windu to his death. At this point, Anakin has made his choice; nobody kills Samuel L. Windu and stays a Good Guy.

Also, Palpatine's face gets all melty.

It should be clear by the fact that I’m actually summarizing these plot points that I rather like this section. The writing is the best in the trilogy (a dubious honor, I know) and McDiarmid is superb playing, basically, the Devil. But there’s the same problem as the rest of the movie: the things that really work are diluted by being intercut with unnecessary filler. For example, as this is going on, Obi-Wan survives a videogamey battle and defeats General Robot and literally no one in the galaxy or the audience gives one parsec of sh#t.

Ok, the movie is winding up to its final third: Palpatine orders all the Jedi in the galaxy killed by Assassination Montage. The trusting Jedi are killed, in a somewhat moving scene that would be even better if we had learned anything about any of these characters at some point in the last two movies. Anakin kills a bunch of Jedi children, which seems rather Advanced Evil for someone who only enlisted in Evil 101 an hour prior, and everyone in the audience is reminded how much they want him dead. Obi-Wan and Yoda take their sweet time figuring out what’s going on and forming a plan. Natalie Portman sniffles and wishes she knew what was going on.

And eventually we arrive at the momentous lightsaber fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and I think you know by now what I’m going to say. There’s about five minutes of greatness in there: at the beginning of the fight, Anakin and Obi-Wan are just slashing away at each other in the most emotionally-driven, least choreographed fight in the prequels. But…it’s a 15 minute scene. The movie keeps cutting away to the far less compelling scenes of Palpatine fighting a hopping cartoon frog (who I guess is supposed to be Yoda).* Then, even when Palpy and Froggy finish up their fight, Anakin and Obi-Wan keep going and going and going. By the time they’re swinging over CGI lava Tarzan-style, the momentum is lost. Obi-Wan’s defeat of Anakin brings only a catharsis of the “Finally!” variety.

Still, there’s emotion to be found here, and McGregor is quite good as the distraught Obi-Wan yelling his feelings of grief and betrayal to his mangled Apprentice. It’s a real shame that Sith follows this performance with three woefully misguided moments, a Trilogy of sheer Crappitude that ends the prequels on an appropriately dismal note.

Crappy Episode I: Natalie Portman Dies For No Reason. Natalie, having fulfilled her only purpose in these movies by pushing Luke and Leia through her cervix, kicks the bucket. The robot doctors say that she is “medically, completely healthy,” but “for reasons we can’t explain, she’s dying…she has lost the will to live.” UM. How do you know she’s dying if she’s completely healthy? Did you know that “lost the will to live” is not a good diagnostic, you stupid robot? Has Natalie “lost the will to live” just because Anakin turned out to be a nutsack? Withholding benefit of the doubt: In a supremely sexist move, the writers made Natalie’s entire raison d’être be the love of her Man, without with she literally dies. Giving benefit of the doubt: the writers forgot that Natalie was still in the movie and had to kill her off somehow.

Crappy Episode II: Darth Vader Gets a Big Laugh. After some really icky shots of droids drilling Anakin’s burned, peeling flesh (hey, who wants to excuse these movies on the grounds that they’re just for little kids?), the iconic Darth Vader mask lowers. Vader, who is finally voiced by James Earl Jones, learns Natalie is dead, does a little zombie walk, and yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” It is, to say the least, a hard moment to take seriously.

Crappy Episode III: Yoda ‘n’ Obi on Vacation. Yoda gives Obi-Wan his next mission. Rather than trying to stop the dictatorship that they inadvertently helped create, confront Vader or Palpatine, train more Jedi, or protect the citizens of the galaxy, the last two Jedi in the galaxy decide to hide and “study the secrets of immortality.” WOW. Way to completely demystify the spiritual meaning of the original trilogy while simultaneously turning your leads into selfish douche-nozzles in a single line of dialogue.**

And then the movie is over.

Episode III deserves its reputation as the best of the Star Wars prequels. Ian McDiarmid, Ewan McGregor, and Samuel L. Jackson get a few moments of real acting. In terms of action, suspense, and plotting, there’s some gold. BUT…the gold is buried in mud that should have been left on the cutting-room floor; there’s so much unnecessary, tedious bloat to this movie.

Even worse, the failure of the first two movies to create compelling, likable heroes means that it’s hard to care when things start to go bad. Imagine if Anakin wasn’t a prick in Episode II. Imagine if Anakin was even in Episode I (a cute little nine-year old with nothing in common but the name doesn’t count). Maybe his fall would have weeping in our seats. Maybe we’d feel conflicted in the final fight, unsure whether we wanted Obi-Wan or Anakin to triumph. Maybe we wouldn’t laugh when Anakin/Vader realized all that he’s lost and yells “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Ok, that last one is a bit far-fetched.

GRADE: C

Best Scene: I’ll say the scene where Palpatine and Anakin watch some sort of holographic sperm ballet and Palpatine makes his first, subtle sales pitch for Being Evil. Of course, I also like the beginning of the Ani-Wan lightsaber fight. I’m not made of stone.

Best Line of Dialogue: Anakin asks how he can learn these phenomenal new powers, and Palpatine gives him just the best look and says “Not from a Jedi.”

Worst Scene: Any in the Crappy Trilogy. I’ve also got no love for early in the film when Anakin and Obi-Wan waste their time getting captured by, than easily escaping from General Robot (wait, who’s General Robot again oh that’s right no one cares).

Worst Line of Dialogue: Anakin: You are so… beautiful.
Natalie: It’s only because I’m so in love.
Anakin: No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.

Runner-up: “You fool! I’ve been trained in your Jedi arts by Count Dooku!” This is bad because it calls Saruman a name that is too silly to possibly be real, and also because it is said by General Robot, which means he is on-screen.

Most Unnecessary Camera Technique: Lucas does an extreme close up on the eyes of General Robot and Obi-Wan as they exchange banter. I mean, kudos for trying something new, I guess, but it’s not going to get me to care about General Robot.

* It was disappointing to me that the two most powerful Force-users in the galaxy still had to chop away at each other with lightsabers. Considering even beginners can influence minds, use telekinesis, and sense the future, it seems that Yoda and Palpatine would have awesome powers beyond just flippy-kicks. Why not have them create enormous monsters out of their surroundings, influence the weather, battle in each others minds? You don’t have to just use the tricks that were in the original trilogy.

Also, have I mentioned that I hate CGI Yoda?

** The “studying immortality with ghost Qui-Gon” explanation doesn’t even make sense. Did Qui-Gon study it before he died? How did he learn? Why isn’t he a blue ghost? Does this technique really require 20 years in solitude to learn? When, in the two minutes after Anakin (spoiler) turns good again in Jedi, did he learn how to be a blue ghost? Why does Anakin, in the special edition, get to be a young blue ghost with arms and legs? Why can’t you just let the mysteries of the Star Wars afterlife stay vague, George Lucas?

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Review: Star Wars Episode II

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Jesse

ATTACK OF THE CLONES

Lest you think these first three prequel reviews will just be complain-o-thons, let me start off my Attack of the Clones review with a controversial compliment: I think Attack of the Clones gets off to a somewhat promising start. It introduces elements that were completely missing from Episode I, which I will highlight in blue. First, an explosion kills a decoy Natalie Portman (sense of danger), which makes the real Natalie Portman feel sad (emotion). Someone must be out to get her! (comprehensible plot point) We see Anakin and Obi-Wan (main characters) talking to each other and learn that they are assigned to protect her from her would-be killer. But the assassin tries again, and so Anakin and Obi-Wan go on a chase through the city of Coruscant, quipping playfully at each other as they do so.

Now, there are still huge, glaring problems in this first half hour. The Jedi Council refuses to do anything other than sit in comfortable chairs and talk to each other SOOOO SLOWWWWLLYYY. Natalie Portman has still no personality traits other than “a Good Guy” and “played by Natalie Portman.” And Anakin…well, I’ll let Anakin speak for himself.

Picture the following lines of dialogue coming from this face

“I’d much rather dream about [Natalie Portman]. Just being around her is intoxicating.”

“I’ve thought about her every day since we parted (ten years ago).”

“You’re exactly the way I remember you in my dreams.”

“She (Natalie Portman) covered the cameras. (chuckle) I don’t think she liked me watching her.”

Awesome. Before Darth Vader was a bad-ass Force-choking villain, he was: Edward Cullen.

Still, I would say that the beginning has…potential. It gives us more of Ewan McGregor, introduces bounty hunters, and raises the stakes from the last movie, suggesting that Galactic War may be imminent. On my first viewing, I was pretty pysched at this point.

But then Obi-Wan and Anakin go on separate adventures, and the movie plummets. First of all, the friendship between Obi-Wan and Anakin should be the emotional cornerstone of the prequels. Otherwise, where’s the heart-ache when that bond is destroyed? Anakin and Obi-Wan barely talk to each other in Episode I, because Lucas kept locked Obi-Wan in a ship the whole movie so the audience could focus on Jar-Jar stepping in poop. So Episode II should be making up for lost time. Instead, it introduces them, has them quibble, has Anakin whine about Obi-Wan being “overly critical,” and then separates them. No bond is ever formed.

Second of all, their separate adventures are f#%&ing terrible.

Obi-Wan goes off by himself to play Nancy Drew. He chit-chats with a blue-collar alien living in the 1950s, an elderly librarian, and a bunch of little kids and CGI Yoda*, trying to figure out what location the script will send him to next. These scenes all could have replaced by a single line of dialogue (“Obi-Wan! We’ve tracked the bounty hunter to the planet Kamino! Go investigate!”) without losing anything. But hopefully these detective scenes do it for you, because they are awesome sauce compared to the

LOVE SCENES

Anakin and Natalie Portman

"I truly deeply love you times infinity for realzies."

I just want to have want to play a quick game here with George Lucas called You Might Think…But!

You Might Think that the most romantic place for your leads to fall in love is in a beautiful fairy-land paradise But it actually removes any sense of danger (remember how Natalie is being pursued by assassins? Neither does the movie; that plot point does not reappear) while making your heroes seem like spoiled sophisticates who thought it would be a lark to travel to Thomas Kinkade-land.

You Might Think that having Anakin describing his love in superlatives (“The thought of not being with you…I can’t breathe! I’m haunted by the kiss you should never have given me…you are in my very soul.”) means his love is extra special, But it actually makes him seem like a teen scribbling love notes in his binder he got from Hot Topic. Remember, you can tell a love story with only five words (“I love you!” “I know.”) or no words at all (WALL-E holds EVE’s hand, everyone cries).

You Might Think that comparing Natalie’s smooth skin to sand is really hot But I am not sure why you would think that.

Things get a little better once Natalie shoots Anakin down (figuratively, sadly), and the characters get back to actually doing things. Obi-Wan fights the bounty hunter from Empire Strikes Back, flies through an asteroid field like in Empire Strikes Back, and gets captured, almost like how the leads get captured in…aw, you know. Anakin goes to Tatooine and talks to his money-grubbing, big-nosed former slaveowner. The slave owner now has a brimmed black hat and a black beard. Good, that’ll quell the rumors of anti-Semitism.

Anakin’s mother dies in his arms in a moment with some genuine emotion, and he retaliates by killing lots of people. This is an ok idea, since Anakin needs to turn evil eventually and the death of a loved one is good motivator, but it happens too soon in the franchise. We’re still supposed to be rooting for Anakin, (right?) and so far all he’s done is stared creepily at a girl and done some murders. Then the movie makes its biggest miscalculation: Anakin tells Natalie about it and she doesn’t freak out. Even when he says that he killed women and children, Natalie just raises an eyebrow and goes, “Huh!” George: If your character cannot think of a good reaction to slaughtering a whole village, SHE IS NOT A CHARACTER. I would say she’s a robot, but in Star Wars, even the robots are better developed than poor Natalie Portman.

Regarding the last third of the movie, I’ll make it brief, since this review is long enough. Basically, everything I said in my last review about the pod race applies here. There’s some neat stuff in the final battle scene. I like the concept of the escalating conflict, which goes from lead characters vs. monsters, to Jedi vs. robots vs monsters, to Jedi AND clones vs. robots. That’s the kind of plot summary that 11-year-old dreams are made of (disclaimer: I was 15 when I saw Attack of the Clones and I thought it was rad (hides)).

But, like the pod race, it all lasts too way long. By the time the lightsaber duel between Ani-Wan and Saruman arrives, we’ve been watching dizzying, overstuffed action scenes for about an hour. Our senses are fried, and our brains have learned that our leads can’t actually be harmed by any of the vaguely videogamey stuff flying at them. Also like the podrace, the seriousness of the danger is undercut by constant juvenile jokes. As Jedi are dying around him, 3PO makes pun after pun and for some reason nobody puts a lightsaber through his metal brain.

Attack of the Clones is a movie of some decent ideas with at least one unpleasant distraction per scene. Some of the distractions are minor (baby Boba Fett tries to do baby evil laugh during asteroid field chase). Some are major (“hero” of the movie is a creepy, homicidal emo-kid). As a whole, the movie is a step up from the last one, but man, you better have your finger on the fast-forward button for a lot of it.

GRADE: C-

Best Scene: Our heroes fight the monsters. Each Star Wars movie needs a cool monster or two, and Clones gives us three pretty neat ones. This scene also contains the movie’s Best Line of Dialogue: After Anakin says that they came to rescue Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan looks at his chains and sarcastically says, “Good job.” I like Obi-Wan being catty toward Anakin.

Worst Scene: Anakin and Natalie hang out in a field, he mentions he loves fascism, and she chuckles tolerantly/Anakin tells Natalie about his murders and she pats his shoulder (TIE)

Worst Line of Dialogue: Everyone goes for the “I hate sand” monologue, but I think I’m going with “to be angry is to be human” which is only bad in the context of being Natalie’s only reaction to a confession of mass-murder.

Most Confounding Line of Dialogue: When Obi-Wan’s talking to the greasy diner walrus, he says “Well, if droids could think, we’d none of us be here.” Wh…what? Because of the Singularity and Terminator droids? Or why? Obi-Wan, I guess no one has told you this, or you’ve never looked around, but you live in a universe where droids can think. The best explanation for this scene is that Obi-Wan is super racist against droids.

*I hate CGI Yoda. I hate how he looks like a videogame cutscreen, I hate how he has had all trace of personality removed. The idea of a small green puppet Jedi Master seems like a joke in concept, but Empire’s strong writing and Frank Oz’s great performance made it somehow make sense. Then in Clones, CGI Yoda does his battle cry and a bunch of flippy kicks and he’s a joke again.

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Review: Star Wars Episode I

Posted on May 6, 2012 by Jesse

Last Friday was Star Wars day (cause of May the Fourth get it lol) but I was too sick to post anything about it. However, I did realize: I’ve never reviewed these movies that were so pivotal to my youth. Which is a huge oversight, because I was a Star Wars freak. I had a Star Wars room under the stairs, where I kept my posters and toys. With my brother, I tried to recreate The Phantom Menace shot for shot. I read all of the Extended Universe books, and wrote a novel and a half of my own fan fiction (the main bad guys: Jabba the Hutt’s clone, Boba Fett, and Darth Dryandera, a tall Sith Lord who wore a black cloak and a breathing helmet; yeah, I was super creative).

Enough embarrassing self-admission: let’s review these puppies. I’m doing them in Episode order, not because I think this is a good order to watch them, but because I want to end on a high note.

THE PHANTOM MENACE

Quick! Who’s the main character in the Phantom Menace? Sure, you’ve probably repressed most of it, but with most crappy movies you can at least identify the main character. Could it be the young Obi-Wan Kenobi, as most of the posters would suggest? Is it young Anakin Skywalker, the future Lord of the Sith? Is it Oskar Schindler with a laser sword? Is it creepy-doll Natalie Portman?

NOPE. It’s this guy.

Whooo, MEEEEEEE-sa?

Jar Jar Binks is the one of the few characters who has a backstory (he lived in an underwater city, caused “one or two-ie itty bitty accidenties,” and was banished). He’s the only character who has any defining characteristics (“curious, stupid, lazy, servile”). He’s the only character who has much of an arc (he starts out an exile and ends up a hero to his people). He’s the closest thing to a protagonist this cluttered movie has. He’s also f#&ing terrible.

Now this is not news. For the last 13 years, any mention of this movie had mentioned the fact that Jar-Jar is an annoying, distracting collection of racist stereotypes.* It is known. But when I re-watched TPM a few years ago, I was blown away with how omnipresent Jar-Jar is. He’s inescapable – he’s there putzing around when Anakin and Natalie Portman** meet for the first time, he’s sticking his tongue out like a jag when the Skywalkers are talking about the hardships of slavery, and whenever there’s the threat of any action in this action/adventure, Jar-Jar is on-hand to smell a fart and yell “Pee-you-suh!” There is maybe at most a ten-minute stretch where Jar-Jar doesn’t have any high-pitched interruptions.*** He’s not just a fly in the ointment; he’s a big ol’ turd right in the middle of a sandwich you were thinking about eating.

Not that the rest of the sandwich is very promising. For a movie that I’ve heard excused as a dumb-but-fun popcorn movie for kids, The Phantom Menace is frequently really boring. Various good guys hang out in the desert, leisurely introducing fan favorites like R2-D2, C-3PO, and Jabba the Hutt, none of whom, it’s worth noting, have a purpose being there. The Jedi council sits in Lay-Z-Boys and tries not to fall asleep. Natalie Portman wastes her time fighting bureaucratic red tape. The numbing grind is exacerbated by the fact that no characters in the film ever register a facial expression (except of course friggin’ Jar Jar who has both “Yes-massah”-grins AND cowardly screams).

Even the famous pod-race is actually dull. Let’s dissect this scene. Its only purpose is to deliver special effects and make the audience gasp. And I want to make it clear: I have no problem with that. Action-adventure movies like Star Wars should have scenes that are mostly there to look awesome. Not every scene in every movie needs to be a complex character study…people come to these things to watch explosions.

But have you actually watched the pod race lately? Here it is, if you’re curious. The first warning sign is that the pod race is over ten minutes long. That’s a long time to maintain an adrenaline-pumping, camera-shifting action sequence. How does TPM keep up the suspense? Well, it doesn’t, really. The film follows the race for a bit, then gets bored. It cuts to the insufferable CGI announcers. It cuts to the vendors selling bantha burgers or whatever. It cuts to Jar-Jar sitting and making shrill noises. It cuts to Jabba the Hutt, who is so bored he resorts to throwing frogs off buildings to entertain himself before, eventually, he falls asleep (Dear George Lucas, if you want your action scenes to be exciting, maybe don’t show other characters falling asleep during them). At the very end of the race, the film-makers realize that, for the sake of the flimsy plot they have thrown together, Anakin should probably win the race, so they keep their attention on the race for one gorram minute and it’s passably entertaining, except for the fact that Anakin doesn’t seem in real danger.

Let’s compare this to a good action sequence. In this scene in The Empire Strikes Back (filmed about thirty years earlier), we quickly establish that our heroes aboard the Millenium Falcon are at death’s door. Explosions crash all around and even the cocky Han Solo is freaking out. There’s a brief moment when we think the Falcon might be safe…but the smug smile fades from Han’s face as the engines shudder and die. Han and Chewie desperately try to fix the problem, when the ship starts getting pummeled by asteroids. With a quippy line (“Never tell me the odds!”), Han flies his ship into the chaos while 3PO screams in terror. The deadly asteroids chews up the enemy ships, which disappear into awesome explosions, but Han’s piloting skill keeps our heroes alive and they take refuge by hiding in one of the larger rocks. Total time: about 3.5 minutes. Compared that to the 11 minutes TPM took to establish “Anakin wins the race.”

See, you can’t just have explosions to make things exciting. You need pacing, and succinctness. You need to create likable characters like Han and Chewie and then convince the audience that they are in actual danger. If comic-relief characters try to steal the spotlight during exciting or emotional scenes, you yell “SHUT HIM UP OR SHUT HIM DOWN!” like Han does.

The Phantom Menace utterly fails these basic lessons. It rarely suggests the characters, like the solemn, invincible Jedi or the too-cute-to-harm Anakin are in any peril. It juxtaposes serious moments, like a major character’s death, with Jar-Jar and other cartoon characters slipping on banana peels and talking baby-talk. Most damningly, it fails to give us characters worth rooting for. And why watch adventures, after all, if you don’t care about the adventurers?

GRADE: D

Best Scene: Lightsaber Fight with Darth Maul, obviously. Maul is the one thing in this movie that makes it seem like anyone is in real danger, and he doesn’t have any stupid dialogue. The fight is well-choreographed and exciting. It’s just too bad that it’s intercut with Jar-Jar doing stupid stuff.

Best Line of Dialogue: Uhhhhhhhh…let’s go with “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent,” said by Qui-Gon Jinn to Jar-Jar.

Worst Scene: Qui-Gon explains midichlorians. Let us never speak of them again.

Worst Line of Dialogue: God, how do I choose? Basically anything said by Anakin or Jar-Jar. A tie between “I’m a person and my name is Anakin!” and “YOU’D say boom de gassuh, den crash into de bosses hey-blibber, den banished!” (I am not making that second line up)

*Some aliens in The Phantom Menace: a shuffling, big lipped goofball who commits himself to a “life-debt” of servitude to the white characters, a money-obsessed, big-nosed slave owner, and some sneaky, cowardly creatures with such obnoxiously accented voices that they would make Fu Manchu himself go “Dude, why do you hate Asians?”

**For whatever reason, I can’t bring myself to type Natalie Portman’s stupid “character” “name.”

***The Jar-Jar free section is during that interminable C-SPAN scene where Natalie Portland monotones on the finer points of Coruscant parliamentary procedure.

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Review: CGI Lord of the Rings Characters Dancing to Backstreet Boys

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Jesse

Here is a multiple choice test.

First, watch this video: Lord of the Backstreet Boys. Then answer the following question.

Q: What is the best part of this video?

a) How gosh-darn happy all the Lord of the Rings characters look

b) the fact that Sauron is just GOING FRIGGIN’ NUTS in the background

c) the fact that Frodo does not appear to have calves or feet

d) the fact that there is an unloved mystery hobbit obscured by Aragorn’s giant shoulders

e) the unison thumbs-up at the end

f) all of the above, obviously*

The Star Wars Kinect videos had a lot in common with this Lord of the Rings video, but the Star Wars smacked of calculation. It was trying too hard be clever (and trying to make people pay yet again for the masticated ruins of a thirty-year-old franchise). The Lord of the Rings video may have some ulterior motives I don’t know about**, but the vibe is hapless rather than shameless. Star Wars dancing is a waiter at Johnny Rockets doing a bad Elvis impression in order to get a good tip; Lord of the Rings dancing is that same waiter slipping on a french fry and wiping out, taking a table and several chairs with him.

Lord of the Rings video, YOU are why the internet exists. Thank you for making me laugh till I cried.

GRADE: A

*This is the correct answer.

**I don’t want to know the backstory of this video. I want to exist just as it is now.

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Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Jesse

I’m a horror movie wimp. I’ve long avoided films like the Exorcist or Friday the 13th, and I cringe and squint my eyes when scary stuff appears in otherwise safe movies (Coraline, Triplets of Belleville). So if I had only seen the trailer for The Cabin in the Woods, which features five college students traveling to a spooky, abandoned…well, cabin in the woods, I would skipped it without question.

Cabin in the woods photo

Above: A Genre I Would Not Ordinarily See

But then I saw the names of the two writers attached to it. Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy, Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse, and Drew Goddard, who wrote the excellent Cloverfield. And the tagline of the movie intrigued me: “You Think You Know the Story.” So I knew that along with severed heads and such, the movie would hopefully also have some outstanding dialogue and clever plot twists.

I saw it this evening. And now my challenge is this: to convince you (assuming you can handle severed heads and such) to see this insanely clever, hilarious horror movie without giving anything away.

I’ll start, I guess, by praising the fantastic cast. Fran Kranz and Kristen Connelly are the most obvious standouts as, respectively, a pot-addled joker and a wide-eyed innocent, but there isn’t a weak link in the bunch. Everyone has the comic timing – where they’re funny, but not hammy – necessary to a genre-blurring effort like Cabin in the Woods.

If you’re a Whedon fan, you’ll find a lot of familiar themes in the film. There’s the idea that outside pressure forces people into archetypes against their will that was common in Dollhouse. There’s the dilemma of cooperation vs defiance in the face of evil that Angel dealt with so beautifully. There’s the question of sacrifice for the greater good that later seasons of Buffy discuss. And Neil Patrick Harris sings lots of songs like in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.

I’m sadly kidding about that last one, but Cabin in the Woods honestly isn’t that far removed from Dr. Horrible. Its medium is murders rather than music, but it proceeds with a lighter tone than Cloverfield (or even Serenity, honestly). I’m not saying it isn’t scary–I peed my figurative pants during both the slow burn scares and the jump-out-at-you-scares – but for every yelp from the movie theater audience there was a laugh, and for every laugh there was something saying “What the F—!!”* During the final half hour of the movie, the excitement gets turned up to eleven, and the laughs increased, not just at the humor but at the sheer audacity of the movie makers.

The Cabin on the Woods, with its generic title and low promotional budget, is a film I could seeing passing under the collective American radar. I hope it doesn’t. The next time someone says “How come there are no smart movies these days? It’s all Fast Five and Harry Potter Seven! Hollywood is brain-dead,” I will say “Did you go to a theater and watch this new awesome horror movie recently?** If not, you shouldn’t complain about the lack of smart movies.” I’d totally watch Cabin in the Woods again, and I’m the kind of guy who was scared by an episode of Darkwing Duck.

GRADE: A

*The good kind of “What the F—!!”

**Well, first I will lecture them on why Harry Potter Seven is awesome.

SPOILERY POST SCRIPT: It’s interesting that this movie had a common theme with the number one movie in America right now, the Hunger Games. Both have, and here comes the spoiler, a powerful group watching the televised suffering of others for enjoyment and control. Both aren’t ignorant to the irony that the movie audience is in the same position as the gamemasters, and that we’ve become accustomed to cheap thrills from watching others, from TV news to reality shows. I happen to think Cabin in the Woods does a lot more with this idea, even though (or possibly because) it’s significantly sillier.

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Review: This Month’s Issue of Cosmopolitan

Posted on April 9, 2012 by Jesse

A few months ago, a female housemate of mine bought a male housemate a yearly subscription to Cosmopolitan, mostly to make him embarrassed. Well, this month’s (May, according to Cosmo) issue just arrived, and I’ve got one more day of spring break, so I’m going to skim through it, reviewing as I go.

Readers beware! Cosmo warns on the cover that this is “The Sex Issue,” though I’m not sure how that’s different from any other month. I will be as tasteful as possible when covering such material as “Steamy Texts to Send Him,” but this issue of JRTW will probably be at least PG-13 no matter what.

cosmo magazine

9 Foods That Burn Fat While I Eat? YES

Ok, let’s start with the cover. We see here that Cosmo has chosen to shine the spotlight of the printing press on that most inspirational of female role models: Khloé Kardashian. Kardashian is one of those people who’s famous for something trivial that I can never remember. Possibly she was the first woman to spell Chloe with a K? Possibly she and her sister Kparis are heiresses to a reality TV show empire?

Inside the magazine, we find a bunch of ads with photos of women staring intently/wistfully into your eyes/something just to the left of you and holding stuff to smear on eyes/lips/armpits. Past that is the Kardashian article, which I honestly don’t have the fortitude to read all the way through. Kardashian’s “Cosmo Quiz” answer sheet, though, reveals that she doesn’t “care about rumors! #BOOM.” Apparently hashtagging now works on platforms other than Twitter; already I am better #educated.

A little farther on, (immediately after an ad for a weight loss pill called Fastin*) the magazine has flash cards that you can clip out and carry around in your purse. On these flash cards are little mini-articles, like “6 Hot Things to do With Ice” or “A Sneaky Way to Decode Him.” Thank goodness! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the go and only been able to think of 3 hot things to do with ice, 4 at the most.

Then it’s on to the Sexy articles about sexy sex. To credit of this issue, its articles don’t focus entirely on the dude, the way Cosmo articles usually do. Of course, the articles aren’t perfect. In their article, “99 Naughty Sex Questions,” I greatly disagree with their answer to question 63, “What the best food to bring into the bedroom?” (They say whipped cream, but it’s obviously pizza rolls, since pizza rolls are delicious.)

On a slightly more serious note, Cosmo deserves some kudos for giving a page to Sandra Fluke, the law student who testified before Congress about the importance of health insurance covering birth control. Of course, I wish they would have done more…they could have a) given Fluke more space, b) put her on the cover instead of a Kardashian, or c) mentioned that Rush Limbaugh is a steaming pile of dogshit. But with Cosmo, you take what you get.

The downside to Cosmo’s occasional moments of actual seriousness is that they make the rest of the articles seem all the more regressive and pessimistic by comparison. Despite the carefree tone in the writing, Cosmo holds a pretty cynical worldview. If you only had Cosmo as your guide to learn about humans, you’d assume that all women all shallow, fragile, insecure drips** who fret constantly about securing a man (A sample article tagline: “It’s not like women sit around all day, thinking about getting hitched. Only on Sundays. Kidding!”). And men, or “guys”, as they always seemed to be called in Cosmo, are arrogant, sex-crazy, meatheads who need an ungodly amount of guidance and patience in order to do such tasks as carry on a conversation. Yes, this is the material of a thousand stand-up comedy acts, but it’s depressing to see a magazine continually feed its readers these low expectations.

Welp, I guess this review wouldn’t be complete without consulting my dating horoscope. Here’s what it says for me.

Gemini…Dating Tip: Sometime near the 26th, the competitive Sun urges you to challenge your friends to a flirt off (sic) at a party full of cute men. Winner is the girl who gets asked out first.

Well, half a point for so blatantly half-assing the whole astrology thing. “The competitive Sun”….man, that’s awesome. Which raises the overall score to a:

GRADE: D+

* No clinical study has been performed on Fastin.

** If women have a bad day, Cosmo recommends such tactics as “Slick on bright lipstick” or “Devour the cupcake.” Those are actual quotes.

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Posted in D, Literature, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Review: Port of Morrow

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Jesse

When I was in high school, every new song I heard was an amazing discovery that sent me babbling. Some of my finds were things I would listen to for years (Elliott Smith, The Faint), while others were rather high school specific (that Numa Numa Ye song). No matter. When I heard it, I would be sure to tell the world. “You guys have to hear this – it’s called Fit But You Know It! I guarantee you’ll never tire of it!” It’s rare as a grizzled adult that I feel that same sense of excitement, but the return of one of my favorite mid-2000s bands, The Shins, has got me proselytizing again.

I’ve always loved bands that are singer-songwriter at the core, but aren’t afraid to layer on the orchestrations (The Magnetic Fields, St. Vincent, The National), and I consider The Shins‘ James Mercer one of the best of the bunch. Mercer, if you haven’t been reading music news, essentially is The Shins; the newest album, Port of Morrow, was recorded with almost an entirely different line-up than the past Shins albums. But PoM is a natural extension of the old stuff. It’s chock full of memorable melodies, soaring choruses, and poetic lyrics that occasionally contain nuggets of startling directness.

For a good example of all the above, I’d start with the single “Simple Song.” We start with some wavering organs, then add some guitars, then the vocals start to layer and build…then…Holy crap, is that the theme from Carmen in there?? Whether or not the Carmen reference is intentional, it’s fitting. Like most operas, Port of Morrow doesn’t do much with understatement…its emotional beats tend to be sweeping, its melody lines dramatic.

If PoM is the Shins most operatic album, it’s also their most poppy. I don’t mean this as a perjorative; due to their catchy tunes and their focus on lyrics, I’ve always thought of my beloved Shins as a pop band of sorts, so it doesn’t concern me that this offering has brighter production, optimistic lyrics, and a generally happy vibe. Indeed, one of my favorite songs is a “Things Will Get Better” song, a genus I generally avoid due to the Extreme Cheesiness Factor. But “It’s Just Life” (even the title has some ECF going on) works for me, thanks to Mercer’s voice. When he sings “I’ve been down the very road you’re walking now,” I believe him.*

My biggest issue with Port of Morrow is one of range. Most of the memorable songs were mellow, mid-tempo, major key heart-warmers that I wanted to sing along with in a happily teary way. A few more shake-ups** would have been welcome…for example, the Shins‘ 2003 Chutes Too Narrow (which I consider to be just about the perfect album) has the happy, tranquil “Pink Bullets” but also the rocking “So Says I” and the genuinely creepy “Those To Come.” On Port of Morrow, the only songs that break the feel-good-ish mold are those that closely recall past albums: the reflective “September” could belong on Chutes Too Narrow, while the reverb-y “Port of Morrow” would fit in 2007′s Wincing the Night Away. Most of the new-sounding material on PoM lands in the same emotional ball park for me.

But…that emotional ball park is Happy Stadium, and if my biggest criticism of an album is that it’s too universally joyful, than that’s an album I recommend. James Mercer, I’m so glad you’re back from your long hiatus. Thank you for the gift of musical sunshine and warm breezes: I quite liked it. And don’t hesitate to mix a few more clouds and lightning strikes in your hopefully-soon-to-be-forthcoming follow-up.

GRADE: A-

*I was also initially concerned about ECF for the first ten seconds of “No Way Down,” which starts with a mild light-rock intro that reminded me of “Accidentally in Love” by the Counting Shreks. But darned if Mercers’ voice didn’t rescue that one as well. Also, I think it’s about the 1%.

**One exception, mood-wise, is the bonus track, “Pariah King.” Though it has a happy, singable chorus, there’s a pulsating beat, some unsettling lyrics, and a haunting ending that doesn’t resolve. Cool cool cool.

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Posted in A, Music | 3 Comments